Guilty As Charged

Sarah and I had one of our early-morning phone conversations today, her side accompanied by the cooing of Emilie, her always-happy baby, and me back in bed after my shower delaying the inevitable—having to get dressed and go to work. We were discussing guilt, and whether we feel guilty about everything because we’re Catholic, or if that’s just the default state of women everywhere. She figured being both female and Catholic, we have a double whammy and we’re just screwed.

But seriously, I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. My friend Adriana once referred to me when I get like this as “trying to save the world and clean your bathroom at the same time.”

I feel guilty that my house isn’t as clean as my mother’s.
I feel guilty that I can’t make everyone happy all the time.
I feel guilty that I’m always about ten steps (and 50 emails) behind where I want to be at work.
I couldn’t make it to Emilie’s christening last weekend in Massachusetts because I had been there two weekends in a row, and I’ve felt guilty about that all week.
I feel guilty (and a little weirded out) that last night I had a dream about one of my high school boyfriends.
I feel guilty that I’m a grown woman, and I had cold hot dogs for dinner one night last week .
I feel guilty that my gym membership is an expensive exercise in pretending I’m going to go.

I think part of the cause of my guilt is treating my life like a constant self-improvement project. Working on the kind of books I do, it’s not unusual for me to meet with a variety of psychics, doctors, medical intuitives, and healers. And each of them has the magic bullet of what’s going to make my life better. So this is it. I can fix everything—no more guilt!

I bought the fiber supplements so I would be less hungry and lose weight. I never remember to take them.
I learned the meditation that would heal my “closed-up” heart. I get bored doing it
I never Ask and Believe so I can Receive.
And I researched (okay, Angela researched) the right supplements to take for the pre-arthritic knees the medical intuitive said I have. I even bought them. But they smell bad.

That makes me feel guilty.